Midlife “Unraveling” in My 40s

I've always heard of the cliché "midlife crisis," when people my age tend to want to buy a convertible car, get plastic surgery, and/or leave their spouse for a younger, hotter version. But it turns out, my recent experience could have just been a "midlife unraveling," which American professor and social worker, Brené Brown, describes as "a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're supposed to."

This "unraveling" started last September when my dad passed away. It was strange how the process of burying him somehow felt like burying the pressure of a life I was supposed to live. When I first came out as gay to my dad in my early 20s, his first question was, "aren't you afraid of going to hell?" Unsure of how to respond, I went to the bathroom to cry. When I came out, my dad noticed I had been crying and asked why. I told him I felt like I disappointed him. He later apologized. But after this episode, I always felt pressure to live a heterosexual life.

Fast forward to early October last year, my siblings and I buried my dad and I had wanted to stay with my family in the States for a month or two longer after the funeral; but my French husband was not fond of this idea. So, I came back to France where we have lived for the last 5 years to be with him.

In late October, he and I took a weekend getaway to the Normandy coast with our two dogs. I guess I was unconsciously holding onto resentment because after one silly comment he made, I flipped. I said I wanted a divorce. I remember being very intentional. Mind you, I had never uttered the "D-word" before, so it was weird even for me. But it did feel good. I felt in control. Not like when he urged me to come back to France after my dad's passing. No, this time, I felt "free."

So, as we were driving back to Paris where we live, I began imagining my life without him. The 3-hour drive seemed like an eternity but I immediately changed my mind without telling him: I wanted him to imagine losing me, too. Sure, the idea of being single again after almost 5 years of marriage felt freeing but I couldn't help but think of my life before- lonely and depressing.

You see, I was a world traveler before I met my husband in October 2017, always in the search of someone or something better than what I had back home. The year we met, I was traveling for one year around the globe and I hadn’t yet found my happy back in Costa Rica where I had lived in 2007 either, nor in any of the 50+ countries I’ve visited throughout my life.

So, thinking about going back to this single, unsteady life was an uneasy feeling, enough so that I apologized for my silliness (that's what we call my somewhat periodic crises) when we got home. He forgave me like he always does. It turns out, he was also afraid of losing me and has since sought out therapy for his own silliness (that's what we call his sparatic anger spouts).

Thinking back now to the divorcegate, I question if I really wanted a divorce in the first place or if it was just a last minute ploy to please my dad. I can't be sure. But what I do know is that I always wanted to make my dad and our family name proud. So, maybe my divorce would have somehow given me another chance at marrying a woman. I'm also unsure if it was my dad's pressure that I remembered from my coming out trauma or just pressure on myself. Maybe a bit of both.

In his later years, my dad learned to accept and love me and my husband and even if he never told me, I still feel like he was proud of me. What I do know for sure is that this midlife unraveling taught me that I don't want to live this life for anyone else but for me, which Brown also termed as "midlove."

"I'm convinced that loving ourselves is the most difficult and courageous thing we’ll ever do," she said. "Maybe we’ve been given a finite amount of time to find that self-love, and midlife is the halfway mark."

Bon courage.